Chicago Med is a hospital you want to avoid. Consult a veterinarian or a pharmacist. Or a Boy Scout who has earned his first aid badge. Anything is better than winding up at the Med.

I, of course, reliably tune in to “Chicago Med,” an NBC drama chronicling Chicago's fictional top medical team as it saves lives while hospital workers navigate their unique interpersonal relationships. 

I love the wacko things that go on there, but if I were a patient — uh-uh, no way — I’d roll off the stretcher, jump out of the ambulance, and, if I could, scream for help at the top of my voice.

The Med has doctors who are seriously at odds, doctors who break protocol and employ techniques not fully tested. Or Doctor A will cancel a procedure that Doctor B ordered and administer his own cure. That’s because the doctors visit patients two at a time. 

That’s not all. The Med has doctors who are in and out of love with other doctors and with nurses. They often switch partners, though not in any lascivious way. Just enough for flares of anger and jealousy to go off at frequent intervals, usually with a patient wide open on the operating table, suspended between life and death.

In earlier episodes, one of the Med’s doctors was a heroin addict. Another of its doctors, Dr. Halstead, happened to be in love with her. Before that, Halstead got involved with the Mob — yes, the Mob — and had to go into hiding for a while. Then, out of hiding and on his wedding day, he was scooped up by the feds. The bride? Dr. Natalie Manning, one of Med’s earliest stars.

Sometimes the whole hospital is emptied. That happened exactly when a fragile patient needed an emergency Caesarian. Stepping in? The aforementioned Dr. Manning, who is neither a surgeon nor a gynecologist. That’s not all. There’s no electricity available and she had to use a can opener! No, not really. She had a scalpel in her pocket, but, believe me, she wouldn’t have hesitated to use a can opener if she’d had to.

Doctors on the show invite legal conflicts too. One of them revives a patient who has a do not resuscitate order in place. The resulting lawsuit played out over several episodes.

“Chicago Med” is relentlessly timely. In the first season, the staff had to care for the victims of a mass shooting. In a subsequent season, the entire computer system at the Med was shut down and held for ransom. On another episode, the hospital went on lockdown when a baby was abducted. Chicago Med doctors minister to a homeless camp. One doctor’s mother lives there. Oh, and how could I forget? Dr. Daniel Charles, the psychiatrist who roams the corridors, was confronted by an angry patient with a gun and, yes, Dr. Charles was shot. That was the cliffhanger while the show was on hiatus.

Next season, there was a chemical spill that closed the emergency room yet again. I think the chemical was Fentanyl, but I’m not sure I remember. In any case, no one was ingesting it. It was a powder spread over everything and the worry was that anyone touching the powder would succumb. The emergency room had to be decontaminated.

But wait! There’s more! In the third season, Dr. Sarah Reese’s father became a patient at Chicago Med. He’s a charming guy, but flawed. What I mean is, he’s a serial killer. Yes, “Chicago Med” introduced a serial killer. That should have indicated that the show was moribund, but apparently not. The show’s eighth season has just begun.

If Chicago Med were real, would you still let that ambulance take you there? If you say yes, Dr. Daniel Charles, the shrink (who, of course, was merely grazed by the bullet), will no doubt want to have a word with you.

Banks is a contributing columnist for the Advertiser. She lives in Bastrop and is the author of several novels. See her work at carolynbanks.com.